Doing something that would have made me happy in the past whilst in the present day with the desire to fill the void and abyss inside of me. Yet I find it not fulfilling because I am no longer what I was once upon a time. So I shun a happy future to seek a happy future in the past with the raging desire to fulfil myself in an attempt to end the mental depression that is tormenting and hindering me from present and future happiness. Either way, the result than outcome is suicide.
Has it ever dawned on you that no matter how happy or joyful you are in your present state you still feel a void and an abyss inside of you? Some say, “No amount of money can buy happiness”, as for me no measure of happiness nor joy in the present is capable of bringing satisfaction that can make up for the time I was supposed to be happy in the past but could not do so due to the fear indoctrinated in me and the rebuke I faced when I wanted to pursue happiness.
At times I find myself happy or maybe it’s not happiness but being ecstatic over certain issues. Then after the happiness or ecstasy has drifted into a silent and rigid state, I say to myself, “I cannot feel this happiness. Maybe I should have been this happy a decade ago, half a decade ago, or a quarter of a decade ago.” I reminisce on the past on how I was just not only in fear but pained to the point that when an opportunity for happiness exploited itself before me I fled from it in fear of being happy, being labelled loose and disobedient. Even when they say, “Happiness is an inside job for oneself.” I look back at myself and realise the external opportunities of being happy that exploited themselves before me that I despised, which would have filled the void and the abyss inside of me to an extent that I could find satisfaction in my present happiness and look forward to a happy future. Tragically or romantically I look forward to a happy future in the past.
Some say, “Learn to let the past go and move forward.”, but I believe the past is the first stage or step to moving forward. Letting go of your past glory to progress to the next glory, yet I find my mentally depressed mind and myself restructuring a glory that never was but could have been if either I had a different persona or the circumstances were different. I have become more obsessed than addicted to finding satisfaction in a happy past that never was than enjoying my current happiness and working towards a happy future. Why? It is due to happiness I believe I passively fled from that is now haunting me. It’s more identical than similar to those blessings that you should have received but chose not due to either pride or ignorance that have found their way back to you as cursed plagues.
My current mental state finds it impossible to connect with the happy future in the past that never was which it has created for itself. This is an illusion of happiness in the past that my mind and I have created to fill the void and abyss inside me. The hope of the result being able to be satisfied with the current happiness in my present state and look forward to enjoying a happy future. Tragically the consistent failure with the purposeless struggle of an illusion and an abyss of a void inside me has led to an increase in the concentration of my mental depression. My mind is now lusting for death at my own hands due to a consuming desire to free itself from mental depression and its failure to become like an abyss of a void inside me. If my mind could become a void it would never feel the mental depression that is simultaneously persistent and consistent on torturing it yet not consuming it to death. How the failure of being happy in the past has led to the desire of seeking a happy future in the past for the present and future happiness is all vanity if I failed to exploit the opportunities for happiness I received before. No wonder why I am fleeing to a happy future in the past with a depressed mind and aware that by the time I reach my destination, I will be a victim of suicide, for I know I will find a happy future in the past not fulfilling. I am no longer who I was when I desired that happiness. Though somehow still in desire of it. This will result in the turmoil of more depression with the ultimate blessing being suicide.
End of Part 2: A Happy Future In The Past